Binge Living!


I’m spiraling back into the numbness my heart acquainted during my transformation to adolescence. I’m not happy that the rain brought petrichor into my life, rather I’m concerned about the aftermath: it taking away my short-lived happiness and throwing me back into my routine destructive reasoning for everything.

When does one accept the jaded nature of our inherent consciousness? When will I possibly make peace with this fact, lying bare backed in front of me? Often I despise my longing for a joyful and heartfelt happiness; within a day or two a constant treble of delirium interrupts that gush. A continuance is what I’m lacking says my mind, but my heart warns that I’m lacking vitality.

I feel smothered, unable to drain my indecisiveness in the world that turned blind eye to suffering. A part of me is busy attending the inevitable daily rituals and the other half is religiously weeping at the weakness I have turned into. I was hoping all this would one day metastasize me and blow into varying proportions of disgust picturing the frailties of men and gods if there be.

Hoping this would break the parochial walls of the empire built upon feeble statistics and unreasonable circumventions of the system that is so corrupt at its crux, I detest. Because my end would essentially mean the end of all my consciousness, including the world as is. It is time I should accept that after all I’m a human who fears death, loathes suffering, oblivious of my past experiences and dreaded of my yet unknown future.

The brother I never had.



It was a quiet unrewarding morning like it has been lately, it was raining inconclusively for 15 days. The rain carried humidity as its accomplice and the combo triggered a series of health issues in numerous toddlers in our colony. It became almost impossible for me to stop counting the number of persons who weren’t sneezing or having a dead look on their face. I used to jot down the number on my make-shift chalk board haphazardly everyday, any person in his right mind can observe and deduce the reason for decrease in the numbers as the season passed. I thought only I could make a difference by letting them know the invariability in life even after the modern medicine’s advent.

There was a parable circulating among the kids of the colony that one’s who didn’t catch cold or any of its grimy cousins will be killed by the end of the season. It was uncommon and unexpected of people to not catch this previously oblivious rule, as an outstanding kid in the family and the eldest among the 3 of us, I knew that this was just another “Pink eyes” slugfest. There used to be a rumour among kids that if you don’t have pink eyes, you would eventually be killed by the one’s having them and they’ll replace you as a kid of your parents. Owing to this rumour, kids started coating their eyes with their mothers’ lipsticks during nights and took a beating to sleep the whole night. I got to know about this prejudice from my brother while he was crying that night trying to mute his pain but unable to. He is a lively kid who used to be illustriously participative in the unreasonable and often unsafe acts of vandalism in the neighbourhood, he used to bring home his stories of bravery adamantly. His was a role of a quality checking staff of the neighbourhood; any insensate rumour should pass his test of self-check before being heard by other fellas.

The rains started declining ultimately and he was dejected that he was unhurt by this demon, he just wanted to live for until he becomes an adult, so he did the only thing that will accomplish his yearning: drown in tap water for two hours inexorably. He let water pass through his tiny ears, nose and all over his face, I noticed his act only when he was literally bulged like a sponge napkin. The usual rantings of my mom reverberated even more making our neighbours uncomfortable, but their mutual understanding rule works always; scream all you can but pass in front of their door as if nothing ever happened, they don’t talk about it and you don’t talk about it. By the time the street lights were ignited, he caught cold and mild temperature; as the outside temperatures dipped, his body warmth surged. Mom gave him few generic medicines of which she has a bag of, and let him sleep beside her for the night. I took the night off from my usual stargazing as clouds haven’t really dozed off.

A loud thump on the floors and a knocking on the door has woken me up, it was not alarming but it aroused concern in me. I drifted from my bed to the bathroom to wish good morning to my best friend ‘Vishnu’ who lives in the closet of the bathroom and engages me in never ending conversations so that I won’t feel bored every time I go there. While I was discussing the fate of my two-month old toothbrush with Vish, I heard people crying and running around my house. Now, I thought, is the time to interrupt and bring order to this mismanaged house. But the authoritative being in me died the moment I entered the hall, my brother was lying bare; his chest pale in colour, eyes turning limpid, hands unresponsive, neck hanging and heart inanimate. Poof, he was gone. An incredulous second while passing has galvanised a fear of loss in me. An air of confusion prevailed about his death until a doctor established the same.

People started gathering around the house and relatives inside the house. Everyone was busy with their own responsibilities of organising the cremation and taking care of mother and sister. They might’ve thought I will man myself up and will live through it without shedding a tear, but they were faulted in their thinking. What can I do without my brother, who will play hide and seek with me, who will accompany me in teasing my sister, can there be a possible replacement to his unwarranted attention towards his nonchalant brother ? Possibly no.

The prolonged epiphany


  

He has an endearing smile that could defeat the survival-questioning polemical thoughts. They frequently disturbed his cadence with enthrallment. Even a ray of sunshine evoked a sense of fascination in him. He used to wait for the sunset every day, just so that he could appreciate the silver linings of the clouds during twilight. Losing him was one of the hardest things that has ever happened to me. I didn’t lose him in a split-second, his death was an eye-opener to all those who don’t respect death. He died every day for a year until he was redeemed, his downfall was a hard recipe to devour. He was a piece of artwork, even after accepting his periodic decadence, he remained a personification of forbearance and strength until his end.

He turned pale in the initial month and recovered the very next month, displaying his frugal sense of accepting defeat. This cycle repeated for a few more months until finally turning into a monster eating away his courage in style. His downfall was clearly visible to me, I saw him enjoying ice cream like a kid by the beginning of the year, and by the end of the year he started visiting hamlets in the lofty peaks. I never questioned his solitude seeking transformation, but I didn’t want to miss his childlike aesthetic appreciating faculties. He, in a way brought happiness to everyone around him, watching people cry was one of his greatest peeves. He transgressed almost every social norm to make people feel content for themselves. Few people used to label him as ‘privacy-stealer’ and ‘attention-seeker’, but he never cared about these things. He always wanted to see people smile, of which he was devoid of eventually.

During the metamorphosis, he left behind a wealth of memories which were waiting to be consumed. I always hoped he would at least be palliated by the occasional sweep-ins of the yesteryear memories, but he had always succeeded in withdrawing from the present as well as past simultaneously. Daydreaming was eternally his go-to place in this game of hide and seek. He used to live in a secluded room all day during those days. My attempts of ringing bells for his ephemeral vantage-point-views went in vain all the time. None the less I was happy that I was the only sane voice in his realm of indignation.

Eventually his run-of-the-mill house turned into a gloomy cheerless hole. The visitors have disappeared unnoticeably, the helpers stopped coming owing to their boss’s unruly arrogant behavior. They could only detest his new found concern for trivial matters of the house, but I could acknowledge his disgust against his own life. He was dying relentlessly of self loathing and misconception (really?) of the world.

I finally lost him for once and for all on a dreary morning with tulips smelling gun powder and trash inquiring it’s longevity. I hope he will reincarnate as hope and courage in my head like he usually does.

Hope we get to know each other better : To the core memory.


  

She extended her hand with a glittering smile on her face. I have stretched my fingers to let off the sand, but she grabbed my hand and held it tight. Maybe she was assuring me that we’re going to battle the odds together.

“I pictured this moment many times” I interrupted.

“What?”

“I pictured us sitting in a beach holding each other.”

She came closer and whispered something.

“You’re not audible.”

She reached my ear and whispered again.

I was confused, I wasn’t sure of what I heard.

“I think I misheard you.” I said

“You did not mishear me.”

“Kiss me dumbo!” she yelled, with a charming little spark of love.

I let my palms cuddle her jawline. Softly I kissed her forehead, then gradually passed onto her plain provoking temples. By the time I reached her pernicious collarbone, she developed these tiny fields of standstill hair follicles to showcase her inner anxiety towards a belligerent enemy – our passionate wanting for each other – before it turns ephemeral. Meanwhile she softly let her lips overlap mine with authority, I just let her be the boss, after all I’ve been waiting for this ever since I searched ‘How to kiss’ on Google.

It was so surreal that I forgot to gift her something I made for her birthday.

We looked at each other while our hearts were conversing at sonic speeds untangling our prejudices. Meanwhile a wave of air hit the coast and mildly disturbed our equilibrium; I noticed the transition of my life into a fairy tale just in a moment’s note. She held my hand so tightly that a pinch of sand would find it hard to escape the knot. We were adoring the kiss so much that we didn’t notice our palms sweating. She turned into a teary eyed puppy yearning for a cuddle from his master.

“I’ve never felt like this before. I’m yearning to be with you. But I wish we could rewind this scene and change the day.”

“Why?” She questioned.

“Because it is embarrassing to kiss someone you love for the first time without brushing your teeth.”

“Yew. What?” She changed her expression as if she ate a cockroach.

“No, it’s a joke. I don’t want to see tears in your eyes.”

She smiled assuringly. A trivial twinkle on her eye made my life lovelier, I thought.

“This is going to the core memory” I announced.

“Lovely, I wish I could fill more of your core memories” she said, waving like ‘Joy’ of Inside Out.

“Why do you smile always? Especially when someone is smiling, even if you don’t know them.”

“I love watching people smile, it brings out their raw, unadulterated appreciation for their otherwise morbid moment. It personally helps you feel better.” she said.

“I’m happy you could find inspiration in people around you without even talking. You’re gifted.”

“I love you. And I think you’ve forgotten to respond” She reminded.

“I love you. I love you like a butterfly loves the nectar. You’re both my survival and my fulfillment.”

“I couldn’t find any words to show how happy I felt. I was blinded by the uncontrollable urge to make myself visible to you all these days. But I inherently knew that you too had feelings for me and you proved me right. Unknowingly I’ve fallen for you in the most unexpected moments. I’ve fallen for you when you were sleeping on the writing desk. Right now I’m on the edge of a cliff waiting to fall if you just happen to reshuffle your hair. I don’t know if this is love, but yearning to be with you has a stimulating impact on my frail life. My life halts for a split second the moment you wink at me, which you do religiously. You’re a luxury that turned into a necessity for me. I’ve seen you grow into gigantic proportions inside me, consuming my feelings as a staple. And finally here I am, sharing your breath and trying to digest this resplendently impossible moment.”

I felt a sense of belonging, that equilibrium you attain when you’re with someone you love. Her presence illuminated the sedentary life I was leading. A spectrum of colours dived together into my gloomy routine evening, turning it into a canvas.

Hope we get to know each other better : At The Beach.


image

Pic Credit: New York Times

I reached the beach an hour early. Few thoughts have been hindering my routine today. Reading newspaper is something that I don’t miss, unusually today, I’ve landed directly on to the weather forecast page to see if the odds favour me. Luckily they do, it is a sunny day with clear sky, it read, clearing my pessimism fogged mind. Then I’ve drifted to the horoscope column where it read “Your planetary energy tends to promote feelings of detachment. You need to overcome it by talking. It will be worth it.” We’re meeting for the first time out of college and this guy asks me to overcome it by talking. I don’t get it, after all what’s going to work apart from talking.

In a parallel world where scepticism ruled the day, I was bound to adhere to the rule of law. “She might be revisiting her decision to meet me, she might as well have forgotten about our meeting” I thought, a million times. I allowed these pessimistic thoughts to pester my appetite too.

I couldn’t stop the soliloquy that’s hurting my head since I woke up. I reminisced all the moments that have had me either disappointed or heartbroken since my childhood. I can distinctly remember an incident when I cried for 2 days straight. My mom promised that she’d take me to the magic show one weekend. Deeply indulged in her house chores without compromising on our upbringing, she forgot about the show. And that’s when I cried a river and proved her that a human can cry for 2 days on a stretch without a recognisable interruption.

I sat by the beach waiting for her. There were few kids who were building houses with sand, one sculpture was especially noticeable. This kid built a set of row houses in sand, when asked about the reason, he said that he built the extra ones for his children and his grandchildren. One might view it is as a foresight of the kid, but not me, I thought he was conspired by the social anxieties of the adults to have a secure future, not just for them, but their whole family line. This way of thinking may never give him closure on the intrinsic satisfaction. My thoughts might not represent best of intentions, but I feel we’re moulding them into greedy machines who never acknowledge their pulsating surroundings but always aspires for a vibrant future. In his case, he is living this moment by spending his rare beach time on fortifying his future rather than enjoying the reflection of sun on people’s faces or comically on their butts. I think the best thing that can ever happen to anyone is their childhood.

Meanwhile I was staring aimlessly at the horizon, in search of a tangible border to demarcate the vast stretches of water and sky. But I couldn’t find any, the border is ever expanding, blurry and reminding of the screwed intention of humans to define everything.

A stroke of sea breeze woke me from my half-sleep and I found her sitting beside me with eyes projecting immense life. She seamlessly sat beside me without making any noise. I smiled and wished her a happy birthday.

“So how long has it been?” I volunteered.

“Ten minutes and you were busy appreciating the horizon” she said smiling.

“Sorry I didn’t notice your presence”.

All these days I was dying to get her attention and when the moment came, I couldn’t notice her. So, this is how people define self-absorption. After all, defining is not as bad as I thought.

“Yes, I’m un-noticeable. I don’t have a peculiar aura. I’m a bystander in a metro.”

“No, I didn’t mean it that way. I was busy with my thoughts. You have one of the most lively faces I’ve ever come across and you’re the polar opposite of what a bystander means to me.”

I loved the way her skin reflected the sun rays, carelessly yet gracefully.

“Thanks for caring. I wanted to ask you something regarding us.”

That’s it. All of a sudden I was stammering and my lips quivered with anxiety.

“I’m not going to beat around the bush and delay ‘us’. I don’t want to fade out of your life as if we never knew each other, I want us to happen, I want us to be a reality. I’m not ashamed to tell you how much I want to be with you. I never showed it owing to the reservations we both had in our lives. I’m holding an enormous amount of love for you, of which I don’t want to lose even an ounce of it in the name of confusion or indecision. In this moment, this very second, I want to kiss you. This immensity of love is making me go crazy, I’ve turned into a huge fragile cloud which is on the verge of bursting. If tomorrow is my last on this Earth, I want to spend today with you. I want to be yours tonight. That radiance you dissipate when you talk, I want to own it. I want to learn how to appreciate simple pleasures from you. I want to laugh with you, share with you, cry with you, make love to you and live with you. Knowing almost nothing about you doesn’t make me reanalyse my decision. In fact, it is driving me to look forward for a relationship where I can learn about you every other day of our courtship. How exciting would that be? Growing together without growing apart as Theodore Twombly said. But the idea of growing apart haunts me. Can we really rely on our infatuated minds to call the shots for arguably the most important decision of our lives? Even if we allow them to make the decision, do you think we’ll last?”

I was astonished. I couldn’t think of anyone who could put their thoughts so subtly. A sense of envy prevailed in me. I wondered if I’m lucky enough to have someone this articulate in my life. I couldn’t find any befitting words left to show my euphoria.

I took a handful of coarse beach sand and handed her half of it.

“How long do you think it will take these grains to escape your hand ?” I asked.

“An eternity or maybe a second”

“It depends on me, if I won’t leave, they’ll stay with me forever” she cast her dice.

“Same is the case with the sand in my hand too. It’ll be with me until I let it loose” I said looking deep down into her eyes.

“Yes, obviously” she concurred.

“Then the answer for your question is right in front of you” I said.

Hope we get to know each other better : The Phone Call.


image Picture Credits – New York Times

It was half past twelve in the midnight. I was looking at the dimly lit screen of my phone, as if the phone call was bound to happen. I wanted to elude those tiny pixels of energy staring at my face since yesterday. But I couldn’t do it. The only adequate response I could give was my time. Days of waiting has always turned the tables for me.

In a plight to escape this longing for a contact, I tried asking her number a few times. The initial attempt went awry as I was seeking to talk her into this.

One fine day I was dead fixed to get her number. She was busy filling her Biology class register. I was sitting a few benches away from her, a distance that never shortened even after frequent collaborations in the lab.

I tried calling her by her name a few times, she hasn’t reacted. I’m a very optimistic person to take that as, I being ignored. I couldn’t help but approach her so that she would at least appreciate my indecisiveness. As I was walking towards her, she closed her class register and turned towards me smiling, as if she already knew that I was coming to rescue her from these earthly sufferings.

“So, you want to talk about something?” She inquired.

“But you didn’t react? I thought I was stolen of my spark to contact you” I flirted.

“No, I thought you could wait, but you don’t seem like you want to” she announced.

“Yes, it’s an emergency!” I exclaimed.

“What is it?” she inquired.

“I want your Biology notes, I want to fill the blank pages of my notes with yours”.

“I’m sorry, I’m updating it right now” she said.

“OK is there a chance that you could Whatsapp me the pictures of the notes?” I asked, with a pounding heart.

“I could, but I don’t have to”

“Because I’m almost done with the writing. I’ll give the notes in a moment” She said teasingly.

“Oh, great then” I said, trying to cover up my misfortunes.

I dragged myself to the restroom pitying my stupidity. I looked into the mirror contemplating how stupid I am. I couldn’t even get her number after months of friendship, let alone be the fact that I knew very few things about her. But do I really need to know her past life and her star sign to fall for her? I’d rather know her understanding of Bergman’s Persona, which would be a saner choice to decide on our future.

Questioning the impermanence of my fate, I was blessed by the gods. She asked for my number. I didn’t even prolong the conversation and has written it on a piece of paper and passed it to her. Since then I was staring at my phone as if it is a wish granting machine. I charged it thrice since morning, even when I never used it to call anyone. I did not want to disappoint her by making her wait if she ever calls.

As I went to the washroom to apprehend my boredom. I heard a vibrating sound which I’ve been hearing since yesterday. I ignored it. As I was about to hit the bed, I noticed it was real. I started searching for the phone under the pile of clothes and blankets which were crying to get some privacy in their chaotic world.

I found it and to my surprise someone is calling me at 1 in the midnight. I was expecting it would be her. I made myself comfortable with my posture and relaxed for a moment to answer the call. I didn’t want to showcase my vulnerability.

“Hello” a lovely, serene voice questioned my existence.

“Hi”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, but may I know who is on the other side” I acted as if the veil hasn’t been unveiled yet.

“I thought you had my number and you never tried to call me all these days” She exclaimed.

“No, It’s not my fault. You never gave me your number.”

“Whatever. What’s up with you? What are you doing?”

“I’m restructuring the nuclear launch codes I prepared for the country’s nuclear arsenal”

“Why can’t you talk normally?”

“I’m a nocturnal scientist who ended up with a bunch of half-wit baboons who preach altruism perennially”

“Do you know the prominence of today?”

Maybe shut up was what she meant.

“As far as I can remember, a lady born on this day wrote that for everything you love you have to pay some price”

“Yes, I’ve been paying since time immemorial”

“What? I don’t understand”

“It’s nothing. Today is my birthday.” She pried

I was devastated. I wasn’t expecting failure on this scale the very first time we’re engaging in a conversation over the phone.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t knew. Happy Birthday.”

“It’s okay. Thanks. You probably weren’t aware because you’re a nocturnal scientific genius with a vast literary turbulence, mitigating you to talk sense to people.”

“I’m really sorry. I’m dumb and you proved it to me. I’m going to make up for this. Give me a chance.”

“You don’t have to make up for anything. Just let it be.” She paused.

“All you have to do is come to the beach by 5 tomorrow.”

“Deal then. AM or PM?” I couldn’t control myself.

“Whenever you think you can leave behind this sarcasm of sarcasm”

“Got it. Will be there. And Happy Birthday once again. Wish you a fulfilling year ahead in company of your loved ones.”

I don’t know why I behave this way with her. I always imagined our relationship to reach such levels of comfort where we can understand each other just by observing our body language. But now I don’t even help in communicating verbally.

“Great. Bye” a moment of silence followed.

That’s the end of it. There wouldn’t be a more opportune moment than this to further our confusing relationship, but I chose to ruin it, with all my stupid analogies and sarcasm (I wonder what people would call it).

I left myself sink into the vivid world beneath those privacy-seeking behemoths of woolen. I slowly fell asleep with a spark of light paving path to the most exciting day of my life, tomorrow.

Hope we get to know each other better : At The Exam Hall.


image Pic Credit: New York Times

I was about to enter the examination hall. All I could think of was the never ending question of what to write in the exam. I don’t even remember how the previous day passed, I was sitting with the chapter ‘Acids And Bases’ in front of me. All I could memorize was that acids turn litmus to red and bases turn litmus to blue, everything else was just at the edge of the cliff and waiting to be raided.

Out of nowhere a silhouette with a horizontal scar between the eyebrows blocked my view of the road, shadowed by trees.

She asked “Are you prepared?”

I was confused. I couldn’t pick between the negating answer and the excitement she carried. Everything around me has blurred at that moment. She was the replica of ‘Betty’ of Mulholland Drive. She was ambitious, joyous and converses with no pre-determined intentions. She is one of the few people who listen to you when you talk. She is a person with whom people would love to share their darkest secrets. Everyone loved to be around her.

She interrupted. “Are you prepared?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m not”. I answered, trying to hide my excitement for her.

“What are you going to write?” She insisted.

“I don’t know. I have to see. I hope it goes well”. I grinned, looking at the scar.

I inquired “What about you? Are you prepared?”. Trying not to showcase my vulnerability for her.

“I’ve prepared for most of the chapters except for the chapter ‘Optics’. I hope they don’t ask anything from that one”. She replied.

That moment, it struck me that I couldn’t even recollect a chapter with that name from our syllabus. Until then, I thought at least I knew what they’re going to ask. I was not shattered, I was renewed that I’m going to flunk.

“Well, I hope they won’t ask anything related to science” I said, trying to cheer her up.

She smiled with her eyes, reassuring our cordial, no-future relationship.

“Well, try to write something. Anyways, all the best, ” She signed off, taking the geometry box out of her bag.

It hit me. I never knew that we need a geometry box and a glazing magma specimen to write a Science exam. I wished the exam gets cancelled due to some tsunami threat or a question paper leak. Fear was growing in me, all I could think of is how to handle my dad on this one. He’s going to give me a cut in my pocket money. Last time I flunked, my mom visited the nearby temple to ask forgiveness for her beloved child. My dad scrapped the plan of getting an LED TV in the house, which he thought might hinder my education.

I entered the exam hall looking at the faces of my peers. The last bench guy was busy organizing his writing plank and the geometry box in such a way that they won’t end as obstacles to his writing saga. One of my friend was busy sharpening his pencil and was occasionally looking at me, smiling at my helplessness. I was allotted a seat in the first bench as many scholars have previously been ordained with. The girl beside me was one of the toppers and she was busy praying to the replica god she brought along with her. She was reciting some hymns or something before she started writing.

I’m usually a person with no faith in religion or god. I was that kid who visited the temple for the delicious prasad they served at the end of the day. But after seeing the girl praying, I did not want to miss my chance with god. My love for god manifolded that moment. I prayed for a question paper filled with questions, mostly from the initial three chapters out of the total twelve. I expected him to fulfill my first wish.

Nevertheless the question paper was okay. I somehow managed to write few answers trying not to flunk the exam. I decided to pray often. I was relieved that at least the questions were prepared for people like me, who daydream before the exam, who were reminded of all the things they couldn’t do in their childhood. Who hated the system being designed for the outspoken, the class of extroverts. I was the guy who thought it was the right time to throw away the burden I’ve been carrying since childhood. I used to think, ‘Anyways, I’m not going to get through this. What’s the point in preparing now. I shall go and have some fun’. All this just before the D-Day. It never occurred again once during the holidays or the academic season.

As I came out of the hall I saw a bunch of students giggling and a group of students making fun of their invigilator. Everyone was busy, claiming they were correct. I was part of the group where no one had a clue about what they wrote and were busy planning for the upcoming holiday season.

I was looking at the reflections of people on the window panes, skipping the details of the holiday plan. I found a body intentionally approaching me in the form of a reflection. As I turned towards the incoming body, I found her. She was dragging her body with an upsetting, but brightly lit face. Upsetting was what she tried to show the people, bright was something not under her control. She has this inherent brightness which no one could ever snatch from her.

“So how did it go?” She inquired, looking into my eyes.

I couldn’t help but notice that her scar turned reddish gold in color. I thought she took the exam too seriously. I couldn’t fathom her excitement being overlapped by sadness. I hated seeing her tensed.

It reminds me of an incident which almost made me fall for her. Once a senior made a scene when she rejected him, someone told me that she was searching for me. As soon as I reached there, she was looking at me with teary eyes. I knew it was an embarrassing moment for her, she couldn’t control her tears after seeing me (of all the people).

That’s when I thought maybe she was reciprocating my feelings for her. But I wasn’t sure, I didn’t have the guts or an intention to spoil whatever we’re already having. She is very important to me. I did not want to lose her by making a move when she was most vulnerable. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to tell her how all this wouldn’t matter in a few years and how silly it would look that she was crying for an incident like that. But I could only look at her eyes for a few moments. That worked, all we had to do was look at each other and assure that we’re always there for each other. I think maybe words can’t work the way hearts do. I felt relieved, I never thought we had such a relationship where words wouldn’t matter.

“Is something wrong? Are you okay?” She exclaimed.

“Yeah, I did ok. I think I’ll not flunk.” I answered with a lazy tone as if she woke me from sleep.

” How did your exam go?, I didn’t see any question from optics as you’ve hoped for.”

“I did good. I found the paper lengthy. I didn’t have enough time to answer all the questions, but somehow I managed to.” She explained.

“Well, I was left with ample time at the end of the exam. May be I should’ve written those 4 answers (out of 10) for some more time” I joked, trying not to look like a flirt.

She didn’t try to laugh at this. She made her scar move a bit to the upper line of eyebrow as if she was fed up with these kind of jokes.

“Just kidding” I announced, hoping she wouldn’t remember this if we ever get into a serious relationship.

“Ok, I have to go, I have to prepare for the last exam. Please try reading something for the last exam at least.” She ordered with concern.

“Yes, I will. Thanks for caring.” I answered, leaving the ball hanging.

I always thought that she wasn’t looking at our relationship the way I envisioned it. It is the reason for my confusing answers and silly aphorisms. I didn’t want to risk everything we had for that invisible love I was craving for. I hope someday I will gather the audacity to tell her how I felt about her. At least I don’t want to be someone who couldn’t express his feelings all his life, but has been living with the clutter all along. I hope and wish that I would be succumbed by the temptation to be with her.